BREAKING NEWS: I'm Getting My Lucky Break
Then Four Days Later I'll Be a Mortgage Broker Again
About thirteen years ago, while waiting for my set at some shitty bar hosting a comedy night, another comic named Fibby, who was like forever-years-old, walked up to me and took what looked like an old magazine clipping out of his pocket.
“Take a look at this,” he said, handing it to me.
“Holy crap,” I replied.
It was an old black and white photo of a very young Fibby with two very young but very recognizable superstars. “That’s Jerry Seinfeld and Larry Miller!”
“Yeah, we performed together a lot way back when. Ah, I miss those times.”
I was impressed, but I couldn’t help thinking, why is this asshole here opening for me? What the hell happened? I hope like hell my future doesn’t include me showing off pictures of myself with comics that actually made it.
I never officially “quit” comedy, but at some point I just didn’t want to do it anymore. In 2014, I moved to NYC to chase a comedy dream, but almost immediately met my wife instead. When we ended up back in Florida, I never bothered to tell my old bookers I was available. Besides, my wife became pregnant within our first month here. I knew it was time to be adult. I became a mortgage broker and didn’t look back.
I can honestly say I don’t miss the comedian life, but anyone who’s ever done it will tell you there is no high like a bit that hits exactly right, followed by a booming laugh from the audience. I definitely miss that part, and have never found anything else to replace it.
***
A few years ago, a close friend of mine, Deric Cahill, started a TikTok account. A fellow former comic, he and I came up around the same time in the Florida scene, and I think we stopped performing around the same time as well. In between we did a lot of shows together and even produced a mildly successful comedy podcast.1
Just like me and probably anyone else who quits comedy, he needed some kind of outlet for his humor and creativity. I chose writing this shitty substack. He chose short form videos on TikTok.
He chose better. His TikTok has blown. the. fuck. up. He has over a million followers and gets millions of views on most of his videos. A few months ago, a comedy club in San Diego contacted him (Deric lives near Dallas) and asked if he’d like to fly out to perform a one-night-only full-hour headline set. Deric, who as far as I can remember never even was a feature act, let alone a headliner, instantly said “yes”.
He spent the next two months doing almost nothing but writing that hour.
And he killed.
So he decided to take his show on the road. He’s doing headline sets all over the country. The shows are going great, because he has one of the greatest assets a comedian could dream of: audiences that are coming specifically to see him! And now marketers are contacting him for partnerships and there may even be a TV show in his future. A TV SHOW!
Now, you may think all of the success Deric is having makes me a little jealous, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’m actually goddamn motherfucking jealous as hell very happy for him. And, it should be mentioned, he’s inviting me on a four day comedy excursion that’ll include shows in Spokane, Seattle, and Portland. And yes, he wants me to open for him.
I kind of don’t want to perform, so I can just sit back and enjoy the shows, but, holy shit, do you know how many comedians would kill for an opportunity like this? Do you know how badly 2011 Joe Simmons would’ve killed for an opportunity like this?
So I kind of have to do it.
Besides, maybe, just maybe, I can avoid being the old man showing off ancient pictures of Deric and me at some shitty bar show in 2047.
~JCS
It never made us a goddamn dime but we were the Apple iTunes Comedy Podcast of the Month once.
This sounds super exciting and this definitely sounds like a 'yes' that you will not regret (spoken confidently, as a stranger, who also has no experience in comedy. Anyway.)!
That’s impressive, man. I don’t think a lot of people would have the guts to do it again. It’s awesome that you’re going for it. (Maybe bring some of that talc that gymnasts use.)