How to Win an Argument With Your Wife and Still Not Get a New Car

Because sometimes victory just means you keep driving the same piece of crap.

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So I’m at the Cape Coral Library procrastinating my ass off. How badly am I putting off the writing I need to do? I arrived about an hour ago, and, well, this is my third sentence.

I’m here because my wife Evi kindly told me to GTFO. In her defense, she’s a huge ball of stress about her upcoming Zoom meeting with our biggest client, and it was just better for all involved that I was nowhere near our shared home office. Ordinarily I’d just use my laptop and work on the kitchen table or bedroom, but the cleaning ladies are in the house today, so I just hopped in my rickety old vehicle and came here.¹

Speaking of, one of the reasons I’ve been so unproductive is I keep shopping for cars online. I decided about three months ago that I just couldn’t put any more money into my sixteen-year-old Honda Pilot. I’m guessing it needs about $4,500 in repairs, and the whole car’s probably worth $86.47. It’s also a gas hog, and with my side hustle as a process server, I desperately need something that’s more efficient. Plus, it’s currently making a litany of noises that all scream, I’m about to cost you a shitload of money at the repair shop. It’s basically a ticking financial timebomb.

Problem: I know if I want to buy a new car, then step numero uno would be to convince my wife.

I know a lot of millennial married couples where the husband and wife keep entirely different finances. Separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, agreements on who pays what shared bills, etc. Hey, whatever floats your boat. I guess the advantage of that is, if, looking at your finances, you decide the right decision is to buy a new car, you can just go out and buy a goddamn car.

Not me. I was raised by parents who shared an entire financial life. Both their names were on everything, which means they both had the full and complete freedom to argue, fight, and stew about any decision. I’m sure this policy has its pros and cons, but to me, marriage means you are sharing a life. Why would any major aspect be separated? So as soon as we were married, I added my wife to all my shit. We’ll be married ten years in January, and it’s worked pretty well.

BUT, it does mean we have to agree on everything. And with the debt aversion Evi has, I knew a new car would be a hard sell.

“Just do the repairs on the Pilot,” she said.

I replied that it makes no sense to dump any more money into it. She disagreed. I disagreed with her disagreement. It went downhill from there.

For the next few weeks, we’d argue more about it, have an hours- or even days-long détente, then argue again. Of course, it would cross my mind to just go to a dealership and buy one without her. But then I’d remember my dad doing that when I was like four years old. My mother was so angry she didn’t speak to him for two solid weeks. I did not need that enmity in my life. “Best to learn from my dad’s dumbass mistakes” was my motto here.

Finally, after realizing I was never going to shut up about it, Evi gave me her blessing. I’M FREE! I CAN GO BUY NOW!

That was two months ago, and I’m still driving the rickety bucket of bolts. Why? Because step numero dos is going to a car dealership. And I fucking hate going to car dealerships. You can almost feel the sales reps watching you — like jungle cats waiting to see which customer limps the most.

(Actual footage of me car shopping.)

We did visit our local Toyota dealership, and the rep was nice enough, but I kept having flashbacks to when I was a cell phone rep for Verizon and later Sprint. In both cases I was working for a retailer and not the corporate giant. The Verizon retailer was decently reputable, the Sprint one was borderline criminal, but in both cases the top earning reps did not give a shit about anything but making money. I once walked by the desk of one of our reps and overheard him telling a customer that asked for an iPhone they’d be making a huge mistake, and that they should buy this other phone that all of us reps knew was a gigantic piece of shit. Why? Because the commission on an iPhone was terrible, and the commission on the turd his customer eventually walked out with was probably 100% more.

I never did that when I worked in wireless. I truly cared about everyone I met.

And I was never a top rep.

So I need to find the car salesperson who is the me of car salespeople. Someone who isn’t trying to gouge their customers. Someone who doesn’t even want to be a sales rep; they’re just doing it until they figure out what they really want to do with their life, and while they’re at it, they want to give a struggling humor writer a huge discount on a new Toyota or Honda.

And ideally, a salesperson that finds me before my wife changes her mind.

~JCS

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1. How many people do you think write “housekeepers” and “my rickety old vehicle” in the same sentence?