I woke up this morning to my wife Evi tugging on my leg, asking me for help with getting the girls ready for school. At least, that’s what I assume she was doing. When I first wake up, everything I see, hear, and feel is perceived through a very thick, very murky fog. This morning was no exception. She could’ve tugged on my leg and said, “Zed’s dead, baby” and I wouldn’t have known the difference.
I stumbled my way to the living room to find my whole family looking at me with smiles. “Happy Birthday!” Evi said, with Sasha and Norah also kinda-sorta saying it in kinda-sorta unison.
For the briefest of instants, I was surprised and confused. Then it hit me. It really IS my birthday. I really am fifty-three.
Fifty-fucking-three.
God, that sounds old. That’s not even “middle-aged” anymore. For it to be my middle age, I’d have to live to 106. For that to happen, I’d need to live my second 53 years one hell of a lot smarter than I lived my first. Seeing as how neither of my parents saw their 72nd birthday, I don’t like my odds.
There’s nothing cool about fifty-three. Twenty-seven? Maybe you’re Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise. Thirty-two? Maybe you’re Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Forty-something? Maybe you’re George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven. Fifty-three? You’re Wilford Brimley doing oatmeal commercials. You drive a Buick. You have reading glasses in a front pocket. You smell like Old Spice.
My God, how did this happen?
After I snapped out of my funk, I hugged my wife and kids. Evi gave me a nice card and a small present, and Sasha and Norah gave me a really sweet birthday card they both signed. That kicked off a day that I had to do a little mortgage work, but followed that up with breakfast-for-dinner at Metro Diner, watching Sasha in ice skating class, and ice cream cones in downtown Fort Myers. I had a wonderful birthday.
I’m in no way saying that fifty-three doesn’t suck. It totally does.
But I guess it beats the alternative.
~JCS
Happy birthday!! Don't let Julia Hubbel hear you talking shit about being old...she'll come in here and slap you with a flip-flop 😂😂
If you don't know who she is, she writes "Too Old For This Shi*t"
This cracked me up. Along these lines, I recently discovered that Carrol O'Connor was younger than I am now when he was playing Archie Bunker. I then took to my bed for a week.